Dear Kate,
My cousins and I are concerned about our 81 year old aunt.
She does not have any children of her own, and her husband
died a few years ago. She lives alone in her own home, still
drives around town, and refuses to accept any help. We feel
that she may not be safe to drive and is having more
difficulty taking care of her own needs than she lets on.
She refuses even the most basic help form us and changes the
subject whenever we bring it up. What should we do?
PG, Braintree
Dear PG,
It is very common for me to hear from loved ones worrying
about an aging family member that insists that they need no
help. The crux of the question is “When, if at all, is the
right time to step in and how?”
There are two factors to be considered in this situation:
1. Is your concern based on immediate safety concerns such
as evidence of a stove being left on? A car with multiple
scrapes and dents or any recently reported accidents?
Evidence that someone is taking advantage of the elder in
question? Or any other issue that may cause the elder or
others around them to be in immediate harms way?
2. Is there a question about the elder’s competency – simply
put, the ability to make decisions and understand the
consequences of those decisions?
If either is true you may need to contact South Shore Elder
Services in this area (781) 848-3910, (800-922-2275 after
5:00 p.m. and on weekends), or your local Aging Service
Access Point to report that the elder may be at risk. These
professionals assist in evaluating the situation to decide
if intervention is needed or appropriate.
If there is no immediate risk, you may want to consider some
of the following suggestions:
• Approach the elder and share your fears and concerns for
their well being. For most elders, asking for or accepting
help is a sign of loss of control or independence. If the
elder becomes aware of your genuine concern, however, it may
help them to begin to open up about what they find to be
difficult. They may not agree with you on every issue, but
it may be a starting point to begin to open the dialogue.
• Educate yourself about the types of services that are
available to the elder so that you enter into the
conversation with possible solutions, not just problems.
Contact your local Council on Aging for resources in the
area.
• Check the local papers for free seminars offered by
professionals on services and information about resources
available to elders.
• Approach the subject with concern, in brief increments,
and don’t push the topic beyond the elder’s comfort level.
Take your cues from them.
Be prepared to be met with resistance initially. Remember
your family member has the right to live their own life,
even if this may not be in keeping with your opinion of how
things should be. An elder has the right to make a choice,
even if it is a bad choice in your opinion. Often, the
decision to accept assistance takes time and may not happen
right away. Being available to your loved one, making your
concerns known, while listening to their feelings and
reasons for their choices will begin a dialogue that can
feel supportive, and in the end may offer the relationship
that allows change to take place.
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