Dear Kate,
My father and I have a very good relationship and generally
very open communication. I am his health care proxy and
assist him with many care issues and decisions. Recently,
however, I approached him with issues that I feel need
attention related to his financial and legal affairs. He
avoided the conversation and to date will not talk with me
on what I feel is a very important topic. In speaking with
my own attorney, I am aware of his vulnerability if he does
not take some action to get his affairs in order, but
whenever I even attempt to talk with him about this, he acts
as though I am prying into his personal business, seems
overwhelmed with my suggestions, and quickly changes the
subject. How can I help him address these very important
needs?
MK, Halifax
Dear MK,
Your father’s reaction is not at all unusual for many aging
parents. Your father is of the generation that sees
financial and legal decisions as a very private matter not
to be discussed with anyone. Most elders go through their
lives managing these affairs, and may even feel they have
everything “under control”. I often hear from elders that
they feel that they addressed these issues with their own
attorney “a long time ago.”
It is important, however, to realize that although their
trusted long time attorney that may have helped them with
everything from home purchases to business decisions may not
be up to date on all of the changes in the laws that
specifically effect elders. It is important to seek a
qualified Elder Law Attorney to be sure everything is
effective and up to date.
Be aware that discussions regarding legal issues often have
an underlying reality of the elder’s mortality. It is often
difficult to discuss “one’s wishes” with family and can be
upsetting to many elders as well as their children. “I’ll
deal with it later” is a frequent response and can indicate
that, no matter how important you feel the issue, the elder
is not fully ready to engage in the process.
My suggestion in this situation is to talk “a little and
often” about these issues, while also acknowledging the
difficult nature of the topic. Give your father permission
to take his time while educating him on the consequences of
waiting. Sometimes a good first step is to find a lecture in
your area given by a local Elder Law Attorney that provides
a general overview of the issues affecting elders, or call
your local Council on Aging (COA) to see if they offer a
free consultation with a qualified Elder Law Attorney. This
might be a non-threatening way to begin to assist your
father in understanding the needs without making him commit
to an appointment he may not be ready for.
Be patient, and recognize your own limitations in the
process, and above all, be supportive in his right to
decide.
Resources:
National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys:
www.naela.com - Help
finding an attorney in your area.
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