Dear Kate,
My mother, 76 years old and in relative good health
until recently, lives out of state. Last month she had some
medical problems, and I needed to travel frequently to be
with her, assist with decision-making, and help with her
recovery. It made me realize that if she needed my help on a
regular basis, her location would make this very difficult,
if not impossible. Although she has a number of longtime
friends in her community, I could not depend on her friends
to help her with these needs, as they are aging themselves.
There is no one within 200 miles that I could consider in an
emergency, and it takes me most of a day to travel to her.
Should I be thinking about relocating my mother closer to me
so that I can be there to assist her as her needs change?
What do I need to consider?
Katy C.,
Pembroke, Mass.
Dear Katy C.,
This is a question many people are faced with as their elder
family member’s age. Missed work days, emergency road trips,
and general concern on a regular basis are usually the
catalyst that forces people to consider this difficult but
often necessary change. Having a loved one closer to you so
that you can help seems like the logical answer. Before
making this decision, however, here are just a few of the
many things you will need to consider:
Housing:
Where will your family member live? If you are planning to
find housing, be sure you understand the length of time it
may take to secure a residence, including asking about cost,
waiting lists and turnover.
If you are planning to move your loved one into your own
home, here are some questions to ask yourself:
• Is there enough space for my family to continue to live
normally while accommodating another?
• Will I be disrupting my family to fit this person into
our home, and can we tolerate this without eventual
resentment?
• How will I ensure my loved one’s privacy?
• Is the space
adequate compared with what they are accustomed to?
• What must be done to ensure safety for my loved
one, including addition of ramps, grab bars and the like?
Resources: What will my loved one need when they get here?
Be sure to consider:
• Medical: What medical, including medical specialists,
will my parent need? What is their current medical insurance
coverage, and what do I need to do to transfer that to my
state? Be sure that all prescriptions, records and other
pertinent medical information is transferred to the new
medical providers.
• Legal and Financial: Will my parent need to have their
legal and financial documents changed or updated after the
move? What will I need to do to transfer their banking
services, bills, and direct deposits? If my parent is
receiving state or federal benefits or assistance, what will
the requirements be to qualify in the new location? If there
is a sale of a home, how will this impact their situation?
• Social: A move can be a very difficult thing for elders
who are connected in their community socially. What will I
do to ensure that my loved one does not become isolated and
alone in their new home? If they are living with us, what
will they do all day while we are at work? What is available
through the local Council on Aging, or community to assist
with social adjustment?
Most importantly, What does the elder want?
If they are competent to make their own decisions, it may
not matter what you feel will be in their best interest if
they do not agree. This may take time to work together to
weigh all of the pros and cons, and come to a conclusion
that you all can live with. Once a move happens, it is
difficult if not impossible to undo, so take time to look
into all the details, resources, and emotional issues that
will impact this very important and life changing decision.
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